Film Franchises That Need to Die – Hollywood’s Zombie Problem
Hollywood’s Clingiest Exes: Film Franchises That Need to Die
Rating: 2/10 – The only thing worse than these franchises continuing is the fact that I’ve wasted years of my life watching them.
Let’s cut straight to the chase: some film franchises are like gum stuck to your shoe. No matter how hard you try to scrape them off, they just keep coming back, leaving a trail of mediocrity (and questionable CGI) wherever they go. Hollywood, we get it—you like money. But can we agree that milking these cinematic disasters any further is like squeezing water from a rock?
Below, I take a brutally honest look at some of the worst offenders in the “please, no more sequels” department. Grab your popcorn—or maybe a stiff drink—because we’re about to roast them harder than a marshmallow at a campfire.
1. Fast & Furious: The Never-Ending Drag Race
Look, I’ll be the first to admit that the first couple of Fast & Furious movies had their charm. Cars going vroom-vroom, Vin Diesel grumbling something about family—it was a good time. But now? We’re at Fast & Furious 10, where the plot involves cars in space (!!!) and villains who seem to change their moral alignment as often as I change my socks.
I don’t care how fast they drive; this franchise has slowed down to the pace of a turtle on a treadmill. The only thing furious now is my blood pressure every time I see another trailer.
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2. Jurassic Park: Extinct Like It Should Be
Ah, Jurassic Park. A franchise that started with Spielbergian brilliance and has since devolved into “dinosaurs but make them stupid.” The original film is a masterpiece. The sequels are like someone photocopied that masterpiece, spilled coffee on it, and then added Chris Pratt doing his best “cool guy” impression.
By the time we got to Jurassic World: Dominion, they weren’t even trying anymore. Mutant dinosaurs? Sure. Locusts wreaking havoc? Why not. The only thing extinct here is creativity.
3. Transformers: Robots in Disguise… as Bad Movies
Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise should’ve stopped after the first one. Full stop. But no, Hollywood decided to inflict six—count ‘em, SIX—of these migraine-inducing monstrosities on us.
At this point, the explosions are bigger than the plot holes, and the dialogue sounds like it was written by a committee of sleep-deprived interns. Even Optimus Prime deserves better than this.
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4. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Franchise’s Chest
Remember when Captain Jack Sparrow was a lovable rogue, and Pirates of the Caribbean felt fresh and fun? Yeah, me neither, because Disney buried that charm under five bloated sequels.
By the time Dead Men Tell No Tales rolled around, I couldn’t tell you who was betraying whom, why anyone cared about cursed pirate ships, or why Johnny Depp was still wearing eyeliner. Let it sink, Disney. Let it sink.
5. The MCU Post-Endgame: Superheroes Need a Nap
Listen, I love a good superhero movie as much as the next person. But after Avengers: Endgame, the Marvel Cinematic Universe started to feel less like an epic saga and more like a never-ending group project where half the team stopped showing up.
Sure, there’s the occasional gem (Spider-Man: No Way Home was solid), but do we really need 20+ films and TV shows a year? Even Captain America would tap out at this point.
Final Verdict: Let Them Rest
Hollywood’s obsession with squeezing every last drop of cash from these franchises is the entertainment equivalent of flogging a dead horse. Sure, they used to be good—some even great—but now they’re just tired, repetitive, and creatively bankrupt.
My advice? Stream the originals, skip the sequels, and invest your time in something fresh. Or don’t, and keep watching Vin Diesel talk about family for the next decade. Your call.
Author Bio: Rex Sarcasmo – I am Rex Sarcasmo, your trusted guide to hilariously bad cinema and brutally honest movie reviews. With a sharp tongue and an even sharper wit, I dissect films with the precision of a surgeon and the humor of a stand-up comedian. My mission? To save you from cinematic disasters while making you laugh at Hollywood’s finest failures.
